My most recent relationship lasted nearly three years before we broke up. It was a devastating experience because I had believed that I would end up marrying this person. The grief and sense of loss that followed were overwhelming. If you can imagine two people coming together like two stapled pieces of paper, with each staple representing a memory or moment shared, then you can understand the pain of tearing those two pieces apart.
I wanted to make the situation work because I felt like I had invested a significant amount of time and energy into the relationship (sunk cost fallacy, anyone?)
I didn’t understand why things weren’t progressing the way I expected to progress. I was in therapy working through my own traumas, and although my partner didn’t want to personally go to therapy, he was willing to do his own research and was also open to any tips and tools I would bring up.
Reflecting on the situation, I realized that no amount of “can do” on my side would ultimately change the other person, and it was selfish of me to try and force my expectations of what I thought their healing journey would look like.
I wanted to control the outcome by ignoring previous red flags and justifying my own behavior with magical thinking that with just some hard work, my efforts would be rewarded and he and I could “build the plane as we were flying it.”
Ultimately our plane crashed and burned.
A metaphor that resonated with me relates to our health. I was suffering from frequent candida (yeast) infections and wondering why treatment wasn’t improving my quality of life. However, my healthcare professional asked me if I had cut out sugar and pastas (which promote candida growth). I had not. So even though I was treating the symptoms, I had not eliminated the root cause.
It’s impossible to fully heal in situations and relationships unless the people involved are willing to change themselves.
In most cases, if we are truly honest with ourselves, we know when situations are not meant to last. When the foundation of your house is built on a weak and flawed structure, putting shingles and a roof may cosmetically cover the issues but that doesn’t mean that the house is structurally sound. Eventually the structural issues will magnify with time, and a storm can completely collapse the roof of your relationship.
Another way to view this is through the compound effect. Imagine two scenarios where in the first scenario, one person decides to walk every day for 5 minutes, as over time, increases that amount little by little until they are able to walk every day. Compare this to someone who has decided to eat one cookie per day, and slowly this compounds to eating two cookies per day. What do you expect to be the outcome of these scenarios?
Your common sense tells you that the first person is probably experiencing much better health than the second person.
Back to the house analogy – you may need to tear down the entire house so you can rebuild with a new and stronger foundation. That way when the storm comes (because it will), the damage from the storm won’t completely uproot your home.
My intention with this post is not to crush anyone’s hopes or dreams of making things work if you and your partner are currently separated. There is a possibility of reconciliation and a renewal of partnership if both parties are really willing to change and make different choices in how they have habitually shown up in the relationship.
However, that change won’t happen overnight. And most likely, not even in a few months. Significant change takes time. And if you are your partner are going through this, it hurts. I don’t want to downplay the amount of pain and suffering that is felt when you go through a situation like this. The first step is to take time for yourself to truly heal and clear away any baggage and unhelpful habits so that your next relationship is healthy, strong, and vibrant.
Each person’s relationship is unique, but what I am sharing are universal principles to truly heal from heartbreak. You may need to lean-in to certain steps more than others, or you may end up skipping around the steps and coming back. Healing is not always linear. Most of all, lean on community. Have a support system that can pour into you while you are going through this hurt. It can be very easy to self-isolate, and while some alone time to reflect is very much needed, too much of this can prevent you from healing correctly.
Time can heal all wounds, but that doesn’t mean that the wounds were properly cared for. Think of a bone that is broken. If you don’t set the bones back in the right place, they will heal but their function will be impaired.
5 Baby Steps to Healing:
- Allow yourself to properly grieve
Depending on the stage of the relationship when the breakup occurred, you have just lost someone who fulfilled certain needs in your life to some extent. If the breakup happened during a phase of strong commitment (i.e. engagement), you might have heavily relied on them not only to meet your needs but also to envision a future of shared identities and long-term commitment.
2. Forgive yourself and them.
True forgiveness is a transformative process that releases both parties from emotional burdens. When you forgive the ways you contributed to the hurt in the relationship you release guilt and shame. Forgiveness also helps you to realize that the person you were with also has underlying hurts that have informed their way of making decisions. This isn’t to say that once you’ve forgiven you let them back into your life. Have discernment for your particular situation (especially if you suffered any kind of abuse) and lean on wise counsel (this is having a support system/community is so important).
3. Reframe the narrative of your breakup.
Our brains tend to cling to the negative aspects of the breakup while overlooking the positive. Reflect on the ways you have grown as a result of the relationship ending. How has your character strengthened? Who are the new people who have entered your life? Consider the potential consequences if the relationship had continued unchanged.
4. Identify the needs that the relationship fulfilled.
By clearly understanding the needs that were met in the relationship (e.g., mental stimulation, physical closeness, affirming words), you can develop strategies to meet those needs on your own. Be creative in finding solutions, and don’t hesitate to lean on other relationships in your life for support.
5. Recognize the admirable traits in your former partner.
Often, when we believe we miss someone, what we truly miss are the ways they made us feel through their specific traits. What if you could cultivate those qualities within yourself to become more whole? Consider the traits you admired in your ex-partner and reflect on how you exhibit similar traits. They may manifest in a different form than you’re accustomed to. Be specific and provide clear examples to yourself.
Remember, healing from heartbreak takes time and patience. Allow yourself the space to process your emotions and grow from the experience.
